Sunday, June 24, 2012

Things I am afraid to tell you.

In an effort to burst the whole "everything is perfect" bubble that is created at times through blogs, some blog writers have been confessing aspects of themselves that are less than...perfect. Confessing things about themselves that are real. I love learning all aspects of others, and thought I would join in on the fun. So here are a couple things that I am afraid to tell you (in no particular order).

#1 I am pretty certain that I have a mild case of OCD. I have never had an official diagnosis's, but I am pretty certain that I do. Most times I can control it and work through it, but when I am tired or overwhelmed/stressed it's much harder to control it. My "OCD" flares around messes and dirty things. I sympathize with Sherlock Holmes when he said in the second movie "my curse is that I see everything" (or something a long those lines). When I am tired or stressed, it takes all the control I have not to clean for hours until I can't see any more dirt or imperfection. Honestly, when it's really bad and I don't do a good job controlling it, I can have mild panic attacks. It can be nice though because my house is clean most of the time. When I say that I thrive when it is clean, this is what I am talking about. This is why Richard and I spend at least 30 (more like 60) minutes totally cleaning the house every night after the kids go to bed. I just thrive in cleanliness. 

#2 I have a bad guilt complex. Not just healthy guilt over things that it is warranted by, but unhealthy things. I feel serious guilt when I take time for myself, when I do things that make me feel like not a "perfect" mom (like letting them eat Cheetos etc), not doing everything for someone else even though it is really inconvenient for me, when the house isn't always immaculate etc. I have to either talk to someone else (who is usually my rock in life aka: Richard) or talk myself through things so I don't feel guilty for ridiculous things.

#3 I had an eating disorder in high school. My sophmore year of high school I had a mild form of Anorexia. I just skipped most meals and when I did eat, it was a tiny little meal (just enough to get by). I did it as a way to have control over my body and (this is embarrassing) fit in. I was part of the "popular" group (haha sounds so ridiculous now) and all my friends were doing the same thing. Luckily my wonderful parents started noticing that I was always "too busy" or gone for breakfast and dinner. They made a house rule that I had to come to dinner and eat, and we eventually discussed my problem and fixed it. If I hadn't had such involved parents, I am not sure when it would have ended or how bad it would have gotten...BUT it turned to be a good thing. After I was able to get over my problem and face it, I had a huge fire of interest sparked. I decided that I wanted to become a counselor for girls with eating disorders which is why I got my degree in Psychology. I actually have put many years towards research in this field (helping girls with eating disorders) and have a lot of theories that could change the way professionals try to "fix" it. Maybe one day after the kids grow up, I can focus again on my passion regarding helping girls with eating disorders.

#4 I am feisty and have an attitude. I attribute it to a strong Irish heritage, but whatever it is, I have an opinion on pretty much every subject and a strong one at that. Luckily though I am very socially aware of things that I shouldn't say, so I am (usually) not "in your face" about my opinions. I just definitely have them. my feistiness and attitude was the biggest problem I had in high school and was definitely a source of grief for my parents :) Sorry guys...I still get really feisty and "wound-up" pretty easy. But luckily it doesn't stay that way for long. But I do have to control it.

#5 I am a serious people pleaser and I hate confrontation. So even though I have strong opinions, I am willing to change my ideas or not say anything about them just for the sake of peace. Sometimes I get walked on by others that don't care about peace because I am such a people pleaser though. So it can be bad. And sometimes I don't say things that should be said because I hate confrontation so much. 

#6 I get really angry if anyone says or thinks anything bad or rude about any member of my family. Mess with my family and "mama bear" comes out in full force and then I don't care about peace or my fear of confrontation anymore. That is when I have to enact a lot of self control not to say mean mean things...

#7 I hardly ever cry, but I get chocked up and get emotional over silly, ridiculous things. Especially if "mood" music is involved. I am very very impacted by music and so I feel things in movies and situations really strongly which makes me get chocked up a lot. And even in slightly positively emotionally charged situations in normal life, I have to fight back the ball in my throat. Like think pregnancy: constantly. It's embarrassing.

#8 I don't like odd numbers, which is why I had to write an eighth thing! Couldn't leave it at 7 :) This is why I want 4 kids instead of 3 or 6 kids instead of 5! So anyways, number 8? I have a hard time living in the now and not looking forward to a later date and saying "I will be happy when _______ in the future". This is actually a huge reason I blog so much, because then I see through writing that I have a lot of wonderful things going on in my life and I don't need to look forward to the future for my "complete" happiness. Like right now, I have a hard time not thinking: "I will be so much happier and life will be easier when we move out of our tiny apartment to a place with a fence backyard...." Don't get me wrong. I am totally happy. But I have a weakness of thinking that everything will be perfect and easier when something happens like the semester ends, we move, when he's a doctor, when our kids are older/independent, when we aren't students etc. 

P.S. that is not a cold sore on my lips, but finger prints on the mirror :)
So now it's your turn:
What are some things you are afraid to tell people??

If you decide to do this, send me a link to your post because I would love to read what you come up with!


  1. I remember the day that I realized that you had qualities of a perfectionist. I had asked you to mop the kitchen floor and your were mad because it would take so long. As you completed the task, I realized that the way you felt it had to be done did indeed take quite awhile! You moved out all the chairs and really mopped that floor to perfection.

  2. Wow! Totally relate to most of these especially #3 and #4. I used to have a really hard time letting people see the things I hated about myself. I wanted everyone to think I was perfect. I've just recently been able to be happy with my imperfections and even let go when other people find out how imperfect I really am. Like they didn't know but for some reason I was so scared of it. Anyway, thanks for the post! I still think you are pretty amazing and I totally want to do something where I can help girls who suffer from eating disorders too!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I love you McKenna. I love your little quirky traits like it isn't odd to see you hand scrubbing your floor if I randomly stop by. I decided to play to:
    Things I am Afraid to Tell You: Scary - Shaffer Sisters


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...