And it's over.

I love Brielle's face! She is in a diaper because I was getting her ready to put her swimming suit on.

Just like that, without much warning, our time of "play" is over.
One day I woke up and realized, that phase of our life is entirely over.

And surprisingly, my emotions are different than I thought they would be.
An aching excitement.

Aching: I am so sad to have that time over, at times it can hurt. My heart aches to think about how my kids will miss their daddy, and I ache when I think about doing this alone, almost entirely without my best friend.

Excitement: Because it's finally here. The day we have been preparing, hoping for and dreaming of for years. Because I am ready to do this thing.
The surprising part, is this is the greater emotion of the 2.

Yesterday, Richard started medical school.

For pretend, because this week is orientation, but it is all day and the same hours as his classes (8am-5pm). So we are starting "the" schedule and he is preemptively studying the massive amounts of books that he has during the hours he plans to do homework. 80 hours a week of class and studying. Boom baby.

So I am on my own. A thing I haven't had to do since he finished his under-graduate degree last year. It's hard to get used to, but I did it for so long, I have fallen right back in place. The adjustment has come pretty natural, which is a huge tender mercy. 

Classes start on Monday, and the real journey begins.

I feel like I am standing in line for one of the really scary rides at a carnival. It looks exciting, and by the faces of those getting off the ride, it looks totally worth it. In fact, they all come over and tell you it is so worth it. However, it also looks scary, just not scary enough to get out of line. You remind yourself, it will be worth it, and you can do it. 

That's exactly how I feel.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Lydia Elise: A Birth Story

9 days ago our sweet, beautiful, healthy girl joined our family.

Such a wonderful little spirit who we are all so in love with.

Her birth was exactly what I wanted and I feel so blessed.

Here is the whole story so I don't forget any details...

Just like my other babies, I started to have consistent braxton hicks contractions starting around 35 weeks. At my 36 week appointment I was about a fingertip dilated and only 20% effaced, which was disappointing because with Brielle at the same point I was 2 cm and 60% effaced. So I stayed on my feet as much as I could, went on walks, did squats and anything else I could to help me start progressing ahead of time. I would have inconsistent runs of contractions pretty often and at 36 1/2 weeks I had contractions about 5-7 minutes a part starting when we put the kids to bed at 7 pm, I noticed them during the night and they continued through the next day. They got closer together around 3pm and about 4pm, I called the doctor. They said it was too late for them to check me, but wanted me to go into the hospital to make sure I wasn't dilating too fast. I decided to wait longer (it's a 45 minute drive one way) and we went to the park to play as a family and feed the ducks. When we got home, I noticed they spaced out and then stopped. At my doctors appointment a couple days past 37 weeks, I was 2 cm and 50% effaced so we knew those contractions were doing something! At that appointment my doctor said she wanted to induce me a couple days early because 1. Liam was 9 1/2 pounds on his due date and 2. I progressed really fast with Brielle (I went from 5 cm to complete/crowing in 30 minutes) and she didn't want to risk anything since we live so far from the hospital. Like I said here, I didn't think either would happen again, but I wanted to not take any chances, just in case.

However, at this point I started to have some serious doubts about being induced. Even though I was induced with Brielle and it was a very positive experience, I still felt very unsettled. It was on my mind a lot and I wasn't sure what to do. I knew I shouldn't go over my due date, but I wanted so bad to go into labor by myself. I did a lot of research on ways to help my body go into labor itself, but I didn't want to do anything too extreme because I really wanted her to come when she was ready. Also at this point I started to feel very unsettled about getting an epidural. With both my kids it significantly slowed my labor down and in my labor with Brielle, the process of getting the epidural was very painful, and my back hurt for about a year afterwards. 

At each appointment from 38-39 weeks I was more dilated and effaced and they set up my induction date for the 27th, which was 2 days before my due date. That also happened to be my birthday and the only day the hospital had available for a scheduled induction. My doctor said all she planned to do was break my water without using pitocin and expected that to throw me into full-blown labor, because once my water broke with my other 2 kids, things went fast. 

The day before my scheduled induction, I was still having painful, yet inconsistent contractions as I had been experiencing the past week and I had my last appointment. My doctor said I was 3 cm, almost 4cm and she did as much of a membrane sweep as she could without breaking my water. She said Lydia was at a -1 station (basically the farthest she could be without me in active labor) and hoped that sweeping my membranes would jump start things. After my appointment I went to get my hair cut with my mom and then I went on a 20 minute walk with her afterwards while Richard played at the park with the kids. The walk definitely started some painful contractions, but once again, nothing consistent. I also had a bloody show and lost a lot more of my mucus plug. The rest of the day I spent finishing all the last minute things and spending time with Richard and the kids. We bathed the kids, put them to bed, put the carseat in the car, put our bags next to the door, laid out our clothes and went to bed early. We were supposed to be at the hospital at 7am for my induction, and we were all ready. 

Of course, Liam woke up twice that night, once to go to the bathroom and another time with a bad dream, and after the first time neither Richard or I could go back to sleep. My mind was running with all the things that would happen the next day, plus Lydia was rubbing her head into my cervix and moving around so much, I couldn't sleep because of pain. Then I started noticing contractions. And they were hurting pretty bad, but still very far apart so I didn't think anything of it, because that had been happening almost every night for about a week. Luckily they were so far apart that I was able to sleep during the breaks. Then all of a sudden I woke up and noticed that they were so bad I couldn't lay down through them, and only walking around and breathing made them tolerable. They weren't coming close together (I would guess they were about 7-10 minutes apart, although I never actually timed them), but after 2 of these contractions, I woke Richard up because the intensity of the contractions made me realize, "this is it". In between a contraction I said "Richard, wake up, I am having very painful contractions and this is it. We need to go to the hospital NOW" I looked at the clock and it was 5:00 am. I felt a huge sense of urgency and Richard could see that, so we got ready as fast as we could. I jumped in the shower to see if the warm water would slow them down. They started getting closer together (about 6 minutes I would guess) and the intensity stayed the same. While Richard got in the shower, I went downstairs to blow dry my hair (pausing to breath/concentrate through contractions) and then ran the kids monitor to my parents. My mom was so excited when I told her we were headed to the hospital! By this point, the contractions were getting more painful and we frantically put all our bags into the car, skipped breakfast and sped off at 5:30 am.
The contractions were hurting really bad, but during my break (I think they were about 5-7 minutes apart at this point and never got much closer together the whole time) I started to put my make-up on (we still laugh about this). About 10 minutes into the 45 minute drive, they started to get worse and so Richard called 911 to let them know he was speeding to the hospital and not to pull him over. They told him to call the hospital to warn them so they could get everything ready, and while he was on the phone I had some really bad contractions. He said "my wife is in labor and I am afraid she doesn't have much longer. Please have a room ready. O and she would like an epidural". Once we were about 5 minutes from the hospital the contractions were so bad that I was almost frantic during them, wanting to get out of my seat and walk around and the only thing that made me feel any better was screaming. That was a bad sign. I was desperate to get out of the car and during one of the really bad contractions I screamed "I WANT AN EPIDURAL NOW!" Well  we made it to the hospital in a record time of 30 minutes and I ran in while Richard grabbed our important bags. They had a nurse waiting for us when we got there and she asked if I wanted to stop in the .E.R. for them to deliver me or head up to the O.B. unit. I got into the wheel chair they had ready, yelled "GO!!!!" and pointed forward. They giggled at me and ran me up to the O.B. unit. I had hoped if we got up to the OB unit as soon as possible, I could get an epidural. However, the contractions were so bad and they could tell by how I was acting, it wasn't going to be much longer. 

We got there at a little after 6:00 am, they put us in room 335 and immediately got me on a table to check me during one of the contraction breaks. As she was checking me the nurse said "ummm, I can't find your cervix." I thought that meant I was digressing in my dilation so I threw my head back in defeat and moaned. Richard said "does that mean she is complete?" and as I said "no..." the nurse said "yep, that is exactly what that means. You are totally complete. Honey, you aren't getting an epidural tonight". We were shocked. I had been going through transition in the car...it all made sense now. I was still dressed, so I got into a gown as fast as I could during the break and they started breaking down the bed and getting things ready. I tried to breath through the contractions but it was getting almost impossible. They said they had called my doctor when we called, so she was about 15 minutes away. That was a long, painful wait. But I was so happy my favorite doctor and the one I wanted to deliver me was on call, even though she wasn't supposed to be on call that day. That certainly made the wait worth it.
Once the doctor got there at about 6:15 am, she checked me and confirmed I was totally complete and ready to push. She broke my water and after getting all dressed and ready, I started pushing. This is when I became frantic to be done because I was experiencing pain I had never experienced before. During one of the breaks I managed to say "please help me not tear too much". My awesome doctor said "don't worry dear, I will do everything I can to make sure you don't tear too much". The pain was so bad that I wasn't breathing enough and everyone had to remind me to breath so I wouldn't pass out. At about 6:20 am we were ready to really start pushing (the couple pushes before that was helping her get all the way down into the birth canal because she started at a -1 station) and all of a sudden this beautiful music started to play. We realized it was Richards phone going off for our alarm to wake us up to call the hospital to set up a time to come in and be induced. We all laughed at the irony while they set up the stirrups. 

Then a little after 6:20 am, I really started to push and her head started to crown. Everyone told me to reach down and touch her head, and when I did, I realized I was close to holding my baby. That helped keep me focused. The doctor coached me through the pushes telling me when to slow down, do small pushes, push hard etc. to help me not tear. At this point the pain was so overwhelming that the only thing I could do to handle the pain, was screaming at the top of my lungs. It was all I could do, and the only thing that helped the pain not be intolerable. I had to go deep into my mind to control myself despite the excruciating pain, and it was an experience I have never had to experience before, and one that is hard to explain. It was so intense, I started to panic and at one point the nurse had to stop me, because she was afraid I was going into shock. I got my breathing under control and everyone said "Mckenna, she is right there! Give us a good hard push and you will be done!" I pushed (and screamed) with everything I had and her head came out, one more push and the rest of her was born. The immediate relief as I saw her little body was more than I can explain. As they laid her on my chest, I was so overcome with happiness that she was here healthy, glad it was over, and so in love.

At 6:33 am, 1 1/2 hours after contractions started and 33 minutes after getting to the hospital, our beautiful Lydia Elise was born. 

I love that you can see Richard stroking my face. He was such an amazing support.

She cried for about 15 seconds, and then as soon as they put her on my chest and heard my voice, she instantly stopped and just looked around the room and stared at me for a long time. It was the sweetest thing. It was amazing to hold my little girl after dreaming for 9 months what she would look and be like. The doctor said I had a tiny little scrape, and I was so relieved. She said Lydia had a huge head, and was glad/impressed it wasn't any bigger. I held, admired and loved her (and regained my composure haha) for a long time. Then they took her to weigh, measure and examine her. When they put her on the scale, I was so interested to see what it would tell us. The doctor kept mentioning she was big, but I could tell she wasn't as big as Liam. I had thought 8 lbs 14 oz and Richard guessed 9 lbs 5 oz. Well they put her on the scale and she was 9 lbs 2 oz! I was pretty surprised! Another 9+ pound baby! No wonder it hurt so bad!!! And hearing that, I was so relieved that with such a big baby, I only got a "scrape". They measured her and she was 19 1/4 in long and perfect with all their tests. Everyone was very impressed because during all the pokes and prods, she just laid there totally content and never made a peep. She scored a 9 on her apgar test, and was announced a perfect, healthy, big baby girl.

 I was so proud and happy.

As my doctor was leaving we joked about how she was born 30 minutes before we were supposed to start my induction. This girl was determined to be born that day and share a birthday with her mama! Also, she mentioned that I need to make sure I live really close to a hospital from now on because that was too close! She said if my water had broken on it's own, we definitely wouldn't have made it to the hospital. Richard got a little run-down by several nurses on what to do if I don't make it to the hospital next time :)

The kids came later that evening and I was so curious to see how they would react, especially Brielle. They both walked in and when they saw her, they both got this super loving, tender look on their face and just watched her. Then they both got super excited and fell instantly in love. Even though Brielle is only 18 months, she was very soft, gentle and loving towards her. Liam held her for a long time, kissing, stroking and hugging her. He is head over heels in love with her and wants to have her next to him as much as possible. His new favorite thing to do is kiss her and just stare at her while stroking her head. No joke. Richard went home with them to put them to bed and as he left I warned him, he couldn't pull a Matthew Crawley, and had to come back in one piece. He minded me, and we enjoyed the night not sleeping cuddling our baby girl.

I have about 15 other darling pictures of him loving on her. So hard to choose from.

Holding brothers hand

The next afternoon we left the hospital because we missed our babies too much to wait longer, I hate sleeping at the hospital and I felt fine. As soon as we walked in the door Liam came running over and the first thing he said was "where is Lydia?!" The kids loved on her for the rest of the day and were so excited to have her home. They have been so sweet with her and Liam always wants her next to him. Whether he is eating or going to bed (we have had to have several talks with him about how she can't sleep in his bed with him). I am so glad they are both so soft and sweet with her!

3 days old

My recovery this time around has by far, been the best. I left the hospital with no pain meds and never needed them once I got back. By about 4 days postpartum I felt back to normal (of course except very tired from midnight feedings) and healed. My bleeding is pretty much gone and my stomach is almost back to normal (I get so stretched out that normally I still look about 3 months pregnant for the first week or so haha). I have lost more than half of the baby weight at 1 week postpartum as well. So really, it's gone so great. Nursing has been good, except she has a crazy strong suck so I am pretty...sore. And she eats a lot, so like my other kids, my supply is HUGE. That isn't so comfy...

In almost every way, her birth was exactly what I wanted.

I wanted to go into labor on my own: check

I wanted to labor as long as I could before going to the hospital: check (but no choice on that...)

I wanted to not need pitocin: check

I wanted to do it natural and not need the epidural: check (but again, no choice on that)

I wanted to go a little early and definitely before my due date: check

I wanted her to be big, but not too big: check

I wanted my favorite doctor to deliver me: check

I wanted to not tear: check (well my doctor didn't consider it a tear but in her words, a "scrape")

I wanted the least amount of interventions and pokes: check

I wanted to push for less than 15 minutes: check (it was about 10 mins)

I wanted a fast labor: check

I wanted to experience drug, needle and intervention free birth: check

I wanted a healthy baby girl: check

I had this conversation a lot with Richard about wanting the above things, but didn't think that would be possible. I am so grateful it worked out the way it did. It was the most intense and painful 1 1/2 of my entire life, but worth it. And the fact that I was doubting whether or not I should be induced and have an epidural  for a couple weeks before, was a big tender mercy, because I was hoping for that, rather than being disappointed it didn't work out that way. 

She is such a great baby! She never cries, unless she is starving and it is only a cry or two. When she is hungry she just grunts and roots around (which I swear she does all the time). She loves sleeping anywhere...her carseat, swing, bassinet, someones arms, you name it. She eats every 2 hours day or night, which is hard, but I am glad she is getting a lot of milk and my anti-bodies because Brielle has been sick for the past couple days :( So I don't refuse her when she is hungry (plus we love our babies fat! haha) or put her off. The transition to 3 has been much different than I expected. I will write more about that later. 

Truly, it was a wonderful experience and I am so glad she is in our life. 

She is only 9 days old, but I already feel like she has been in our family forever and I don't know what we did without her! 

Like I have said so many times before, we are addicted to having babies. 

In fact, a couple hours after she was born and I was cuddling her, I turned to Richard and said 

"Richard, how are we ever going to stop having babies?? I love this"

Can you blame us??

8 days old

Part 5: Of Course

In case you want to get caught up, you can find all 4 previous parts under the page titled "Our Story"

Part 5: Of Course

As I sat on my bedroom floor waiting for Richard to come pick me up for our date, I jotted down some thoughts in my journal about how I wondered if that was the day he would ask me to be his wife. Forever. As I finished that thought, my Mom came to my door to tell me he was there. I quickly finished with:

"I hope that today is the day!! I will let you know"

And closed my journal, placing it next to my bed. I met him at the door. We walked to the car and as I got into my seat, I noticed that the back seat was filled with some of our favorite picnic food of delicious artisan bread, a block of cheese, deli sliced turkey meat and orange juice. As we drove down the main strip of our tiny town, he put his arm around me and asked me where we wanted to have our little picnic dinner. He said I should pick between our special spot along the beautiful river in our town or our special spot at the beach. I thought for a couple seconds and choose the beach. It was a beautiful summer day and I thought it would be so fun to watch the sunset at the beach. So we drove the familiar road to the beach, talking and giggling the whole way there. When we got there we walked down the shore, our toes dipping in and out of the water while we slowly walked, picnic in hand, talking as we went. We kept getting distracted talking, and I would look around sure that we had found our special place where the waterfall cascaded over the cliffs. But each time, Richard would say "no I don't think this is the place". But each time I was certain it was the place, but he would say each time "trust me. This isn't it" and we kept walking. I was impressed that he knew exactly where it was, because we hadn't been back to that special spot in a couple weeks. Little did I know. After what seemed like a long walk, we finally got there. He started walking up the cliff to our spot and I followed behind him, holding his hand. I remember looking up and peeked around him, because I thought I saw something out of the ordinary. Tons and tons of flowers. And not just wildflowers, but I thought I had seen glimpses of colorful roses. I was a little confused why there would be flowers, and as I got a better look when we got to the spot, I was in awe. There were in fact tons of flowers. 52 beautiful, long stemmed roses in every color you could imagine. They were placed along the cliff next to the gorgeous cascading natural foliage. In the middle was 2 bottles of Jones sodas (our favorite drink) and an envelope in the middle of those. It hit me. This was it. What an amazingly beautiful and sweet scene he set up for me. He picked up the note and told me to read it. I read his sweet, sweet note and my heart felt like it would burst. With love. Here is what I read:

McKenna

You have been in imaginary woman to me all my life.

The kind of girl you make up on a piece of paper who has every positive quality

of every girl that you have ever heard of or had a crush on.

The incredible thing is that you aren't a figment of my imagination, you are the

love of my life and the girl standing in the center of a tangible dream

which began when I called you up and you said yes.

(le sighhhhh)

I hope you know that I do understand that I am blessed beyond measure to call 

you so much more than my best friend, and by me knowing this I desire to

repay you by giving you everything that I have and am.

I will always be my best self for you, and I am always in your debt, you will never

owe me anything, you never have to do anything that you don't want to do.

McKenna, more than anything in this world I want to be the one who loves you

unconditionally, the one who comforts you when you feel pain or sorrow, the 

one who supports you, lifts you and helps you accomplish your every dream or desire.

I want to be your place of security, where you know that there is 

comfort, care and total acceptance, I love who you are, and I love what you are.

(this is always where the tears start)

It is impossible to find anything about you which I do not adore with all of my heart.

Many people have asked me what my life plans were, in respone I would tell

them of career, education and mission, but in the midst of these words I would

speak of a girl that I was going to marry who was the most amazing woman in the world.

I would say it with such conviction that they would laugh, but when I did

not return the laughter they could see that I was serious.

In that same state of seriousness I declare to you McKenna, you are and ever

will be the most amazing woman in the world to me, and with that, please know

that you never have to be anything except yourself, for it is yourself that I ache

to see each day, and pained to leave after dark. I love you with all of my

heart. I will marry a young lady worthy, and be blessed forever if that lady were

you.

Completely overwhelmed with an amount of love and gratitude I had never felt, I couldn't help myself, but threw my arms around his neck and gave him a hug. As we hugged I felt something metal scrapping my back. And he was trembling. I put 2 and 2 together and realized, this really was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for my entire life. And it was more perfect than I dreamed it would be. After hugging for awhile, he finally pulled away and handed me what was scratching my back. The beautiful engagement ring we had bought a couple weeks earlier. Then he got down on one knee and said

 "McKenna, will you do me the honor of being my wife?" 

Let me take a break here and tell a cool story. Ever since we started to seriously talk about getting married, I obviously poured my heart out in prayer about if I should marry him. I knew with my whole heart and mind I wanted that more than anything, but I wanted to have a strong confirmation that he was the one that Heavenly Father wanted me to marry. I had told myself my whole life that I would never make that huge decision without a strong confirmation. I prayed and prayed and yet never got a big YES like I was expecting. I felt little assurances all the time, but not the earth shaking one I had hoped for. I prayed for it, and yet it hadn't come. So when he said those beautiful words, I said (or actually literally yelled because I was so excited), "OF COURSE!". (The funny thing is that I had planned to tease him and say "I will think about it and get back to you" and then say yes, but I was so excited that I had no time to remember the joke I was going to play on him before I yelled my answer). As soon as I gave him my very heartfelt answer, I was blessed with the earth shaking experience I had been praying for. I had an incredibly strong feeling rush over me like I have never felt before, assuring me that I had made the perfect decision, and the one that Heavenly Father wanted me to make. I knew right then without a shadow of a doubt that he was supposed to be the future husband I read about in my patriarchal blessing and always dreamed of. And I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

The mark in the ground where he kneeled down :)

Wow we were so young...I guess we were! I was barely 19 and he was 22!

We ate our little picnik while we both giggled like little kids and kept looking at my ring! I couldn't believe that we were officially engaged. After a year of wishing he would ask me out, then a month of dating, he was officially mine. We finished our lunch and then started walking back to his car. There were some people on the sand next to the water and as we smiled, he yelled "Hi! I just asked her to marry me and she said YES!!" A little taken back by his excitedly yelled statement, they congratulated us and we started the drive back to our families to tell them our exciting news!

I still have most of those roses, all dried and cracking with age

As we were walking back to the car

As we drove up to my house to tell my family, they were all seated on the couch, waiting for us. Now knowing my family and the 7 kids 17 years old and younger, you know this is NOT common at all. They saw us driving up, knew what had just happened and all sat on the couch waiting for us! They were so excited to hear our news! We went to Richards families house, and had the same entire-family-conveniently-sitting-on-the-couch when we walked in reaction :) Everyone was so excited to hear how it went and what happened! 

It was so magical. 

So June 15th, my dream came true and I was engaged to the best man I had heard of, dreamed of or met. Now I just had to wait for the day we had picked that was 4 months away when he would officially and eternally become mine. This wait was the hardest.

To be continued...

p.s. I decided instead of ending here, I wanted to keep going! So I am going to write about the 4 months planning etc., our wedding day and our awesome honeymoon! 

Part 4: The "M" word

Before I get started, I wanted to say that I had the most wonderful anniversary E.V.E.R! Richard spoiled me beyond all reason ;) But I wanted to finish writing our story before writing about what we did because the special surprise date he planned for us will mean more after you read the last parts to our story!

You can read Part 1 HERE, Part 2 HERE and Part 3 HERE

Part 4: The "M" Word

Things were going amazingly. Perfect. Wonderful. We spent every moment we could together, only except the time he was at work. When we weren't together because it was past my curfew, we talked on the phone until the sun came up.

On May 30th, 27 days after our first date, and 17 days after we were officially boyfriend & girlfriend, while we were standing outside my house "saying" good-bye after a date, just like every other day we hung out, 3 words came out of Richards mouth that made this a day to go down in history. As usual we were hugging (and kissing...haha) and he gently whispered "I love you McKenna" in my ear. As I heard those special words my heart melted and I said what I felt stronger than anything else: "I love you too". I remember looking up at the beautiful stars that night as we held each other outside of his car thanking my Heavenly Father for bringing him into my life.

After that night, he met all of my wildest dreams. A month after our first date, I woke up and decided to check the mail after breakfast. I was delighted to find a bouquet of beautiful wildflowers and a handwritten note that said "McKenna--I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Have a wonderful day. --Richard. P.S. It's been the best month :)" I would find little and long love notes everywhere. He would give them to me or I would find them hidden as I went through out my day. When we weren't talking because both of us were at work, we would send text messages back and forth about how much we cared about each other. We spent many hours sitting on the cliffs of a beautiful beach near our houses talking about our futures, learning everything we could about each other and our dreams. Of course a couple times we talked about our future spouses and both of us envisioned the other person, but we were too nervous to say anything. We talked about our strong feelings and how much we adored each other. But we were too nervous to utter the "M" word in fear the other person didn't feel the same way. Our days were filled with each other, learning everything we could and relishing in each others company.

One day, I had an incredible experience I will never forget. I was cleaning out my room with my mom and I came upon a list of things I wanted in my future spouse. I had written it after I stopped dating the last guy that I dated at college (and the last guy I seriously dated before Richard). It a serious list of things that I needed and things that I wanted. I started reading it out loud to my mom and after each one I would say "Richard has that". After I finished reading the list, I had tears running down my face. He was exactly what I wanted, exactly what I needed and everything I dreamed of. Literally. There wasn't one thing he didn't have that I had written down. I looked up to see that tears weren't just running down my face. My dear mother realized that her daughter had met the man of her dreams.

Our talks about our futures quickly began to align and included the same things. One day as we ate at the only Chinese restuarant in town, we talked about where we saw ourselves in 5 years and we both invisioned being married. To each other. But we were too nervous to say it out loud. After our lunch we walked down the beach, still talking our future and I remember Richard disgribing his future wife and how much he would love her, how he would adore her and make all of her dreams come true. He talked so lovingly, so sweet and so tender about his future wife and I wished with all of my heart and soul that I could be that woman. Little did I know that same wish was dancing through his head at the same time. We kept walking and came to a little waterfall that was cascading off the cliffs, but was hidden behind bushes and trees. We climbed the cliff, behind the trees and bushes to the waterfall and played in it like 2 childhood best friends. It was a special moment for me because I realized all that he was to me. He was THE love of my life, but he was the best friend that I had been searching for my whole life. 

A couple days after our 1 month anniversary, we were at the seminary graduation for the year that was graduating (it was the year behind me in high school...haha) and they asked us to say the opening and closing prayer. After the graduation while everyone was enjoying refreshments, a man from our ward came to talk to us. I left to get some more dessert and after I left he said to Richard, "they had you say the prayers like you are already a married couple. When is that going to happen?" I came back to join the conversation un-aware of the question that was asked that really made Richard think. That night he told me of what the man said and then we talked about his question. "When is that going to happen?" We finally said the "M" word quietly and sheepishly, to find out to our utter excitement that the other person felt the same way. Then just as quietly as he could, Richard whispered, "if I asked you to be my wife, what would you say?" and as my heart beated faster than I ever have felt before, I said "I would say yes, of course". The elusive "M" word that we were too afraid to utter had now become our future. We realized that we needed to get more comfortable saying it, because it was something we were going to say a lot more of.  After I told my parents about this conversation after he left while I was having a near panic attack and hyperventilating from excitement, my mom decided it was time to buy "how to plan and execute a wedding" book. It was happening and because I was the oldest, she had no idea what she was doing. It was time to invest in planning, because the "M" word had officially been said.

This hit me so hard one Sunday. We went back to my home ward, that we had moved from when I was a senior, for the homecoming of my best friends brother. We had picked out a ring, bought it and were waiting for it to get sized. I knew that an "official" proposal was coming very soon because my wedding ring had been paid for, but I didn't know when. As we were introducing him in Sunday school, I said, "This is Richard..." and my heart started to beat so fast as my Dad said "tell everyone who he really is." and I finished with a very red face as I realized how my dreams were in fact coming true, "This is Richard. He is my fiance". Everyone gasped and I heard excited mutterings. I looked at him and we both giggled with pure excitement. My best friends older brother came to us after Sunday school to congratulate us and in noticing I had no ring he said to Richard, "you better make that official, fast".

As we were still waiting for the ring to be sized, we decided to look at apartments. I was too excited to not look at little apartments where I would be the wife to the man of my dreams. We walked through an apartment above the garage of someone in the town and we explained to them that we were getting married soon but forgot to mention the part about not being officially engaged yet. A couple days later we had a ward talent show and we decided to sing "Be Still my Soul" while Richard played the guitar. After we were done a couple of the families from our ward approached us and with all the excitement they could muster (of course they tried to hold it back to not come across crazy) told us how excited they were we were getting married! Flabbergasted Richard and I looked at each other. How did they find out?! We hadn't told anyone but our parents yet! Apparently, the family that owned the little apartment were good friends with these families and told them that we were looking for apartments. We laughed about it but were happy that others were so excited for us.

A couple days later, on June 15th, I woke up to a text from Richard. He told me that I had to text or call him anytime I went anywhere. I should have been scared by this, but I thought it was so cute :) Later that day he called to see if I wanted to go on a date with him and just like I did on our first date less than 1 1/2 months earlier I said "Of course!" The time when he was supposed to pick me up came and went and as I waited for him to come pick me up I wrote in my journal "Richard and I are supposed to go on a date but he is late! I wonder if today is the day....."

To be continued

Part 3: Finally Home

So both kids are asleep, the house is clean and the hubby is talking on the phone and I decided it is finally time for part 3 of our story! Our anniversary is on Friday so I hope I can finish all the parts before then!

If you missed the either two parts you can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here

Part 3: Finally Home

May 3, 2005: When I heard that all too familiar voice on the other end of the telephone, my heart skipped a beat, like it never had before. I couldn't believe it had finally happened. I tried to get my self under control, and sound like I wasn't floating up to cloud 9. "Must sound cool and composed". 

M: "Yeah, that sounds fun, I am not doing anything" (and even if I was, I would cancel it....ahem). 

R: " Cool. What do you want to do?"

M: "ummm I heard that National Treasure just came out today, want to watch that?"

R: "Sure, we can watch it at my place"

...and then we figured out times and that he would pick me up at my house.

And then the panicy excitement really set it. The only thing I could think to do was call my parents, who were out running errands with the family.

M: "GUESS WHAT?! RICHARD ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE!!!!"

F: "O MY GOSH!! THAT IS SO EXCITING!!"

So of course, after I got off the phone, I rushed into the bathroom to make myself look extra pretty. I chose my favorite shirt and was in the middle of getting ready when my Dad walked in. He chatted with me about how excited he was (remember, he had been planning this day since he first met Richard a year ago) and then lovingly told me that I had never looked prettier in my life. It was a very special, tender moment that made me feel extra confident for this special date. I paced around the house until I saw him pull up in his green Toyota Corolla. He came to my door and my parents answered and happily (maybe a little overly happily) talked to him while I finished getting ready. While I ran out the door I stopped by my sisters room and sprayed myself with her perfume (smelling good is really important to me). I said good-bye to my parents, and I am sure that my Dad said something incredibly embarrassing and my Mom caught Richard check out my butt as we walked to the car (she overly excitedly told me that later). As I walked with him to his car, I had an overwhelming feeling of attachment and I got really scared. I remember thinking that if this was a one date thing to him, I was in SERIOUS trouble. I was so incredibly attached to him already and we hadn't even started our date. I took a deep breath and got in his car. He got in and the first thing he said was "wow, you smell really good!" This date was definitely starting out on the right foot.

We drove the short distance to his parents house and talked the whole time. We got there and his parents, sister Lori and her hubby were ready to watch the movie with us. We sat on the couch next to each other and couldn't stop talking. We talked all the way through the opening credits and into the movie, until his mom told us to stop talking. I was amazed at how incredibly comfortable I felt around him and how I felt like I was finally home. Like I was finally reunited with my best friend I had been searching for my whole life. I had NEVER felt that way before and it was a feeling I will never forget.

We finished our date and as he was driving me home we chatted some more and then as we got closer to my house he said, "Would you like to go on another date with me?" I got SO excited that I stumbled out the words "Yeah! My Dad's birthday is tomorrow so I can do something the next day with you!" Apparently that embarrassed Richard because he wanted to do something with me the next day, and felt like I wasn't as excited as he was, so he said, "O I meant like on Friday or something". Which in turn embarrassed me because I thought he felt the way he thought I felt so I said, "Yeah that should work!". Our first embarrassing moment: officially occurred.

He dropped me off at my house and came in with me. I was excited that he didn't leave yet, because I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. My family was also watching National Treasure so he finished it with us and then helped my little 4 year old brother find his frog he lost in the living room. I loved how he totally fit in with my family. As he left, I walked him out to his car and he shook my hand.
"Dang, I would have liked a hug at least. Maybe it didn't go as well as I thought it had"

May 5, 2005: I had spent May 4th with my family celebrating my Dad's birthday and had a great time (birthdays are a HUGE deal in my family). Around 5, a guy I was also in the Bye Bye Birdie play with (his part in the play was actually as my boyfriend haha) asked me to go on a date with him. We went to a movie and it was the WORST date I have ever been on (Ryan, if you are reading this, no offense! LOL). By far. The whole time I kept thinking, "I wish SO much that I was with Richard right now instead" and missing the connection Richard and I had. 

I got home from my date only to find out that Richard had just called to see if I wanted a ride to institute. I was SO disappointed I missed an opportunity to be with him and to my excitement, my mom said that he sounded likewise disappointed that I wasn't there. 

"Score. Maybe the date went better than I thought."

 I got ahold of his cousin who miraculously hadn't left yet. I got a ride with him and as I walked into the building and to the back of the room to sit down, I saw him smile really big as he was looking at his scriptures. Apparently he saw me walk in and got really excited. Another score. I don't remember much about the lesson except wishing I was sitting next to him. After the lesson, there was an activity where everyone played volleyball. 

"Great, I HATE volleyball. "

I sat on the sidelines while he played. To my excitement, he came over and sat down next to me. Again we started talking and he wiped out his guitar and started playing while we talked. Another score. Then someone else joined us and we all started talking. Some how chick flicks came up and all the guys were talking about how they hated chick flicks. But he said, "well I really like chick flicks" and with that, I got so excited that I slammed the table with both hands and the words, " are you serious?!" escaped my lips. Mortified at my WAY overly excited response, I finished my embarrassing outburst with "well, I mean that's cool because I really like chick flicks too". Little did he know, that was on my list of things I wanted in a future husband. Stupid, I know, but it was even more a sign that he was the one for me because this was one of the many things that he had that I wanted, that no other guy I met had. As I watched him be so nice to everyone, so helpful as they were cleaning up, I couldn't help but think about what a wonderful husband he would be. I was falling. And falling hard. To my sheer excitement, he asked my if I liked to go sailing and wondered if I wanted to go with him on Saturday morning. Of course I said yes, and we hung out on Friday and then Saturday morning he picked me up and took me sailing. The boat was owned by an old couple in our ward and they went a long with us to drive the boat. When the wife got me a lone, she asked me with a lot of excitement, if Richard and I were a couple. I matched her excitement, and then some, as I told her "I think!" Everyone in our ward was so excited to watch us fall for each other and become a couple. 

Talking to my bro on the phone to get the lyrics for a song Richard was going to play for me ;)

I won't go through all of our dates, but I will say that May 4th was the only day that we spent apart after our first date on May 3rd. After the 5th, we spent every single day together. And then we would talk on the phone every night until about 3-4am after all of our dates. How could I want to be away from him? I finally felt at home and never wanted to be away from him. 

May 10, 2005: We had gone on a date, like we had every day for the past week since our first date and after each one, Richard would shake my hand. Some nights after spending almost all day together, he would give me a hug, but never close to a kiss. I was gettin' antsy. I wanted so bad to kiss him, but was too shy to say something. This night he walked me to my front door after our date and stopped. I was expecting the hand shake, but I got a hug. I was excited for the advance from hand shake and when he lingered, I got my hopes up. After lingering for quite awhile, it finally happened. Our first kiss. It was amazing. Seriously. Long, tender, loving, sexy (i know tmi) and everything in one. I loved how it made me feel so special and so...loved. Some how he made me feel so loved and so special in just a kiss.

May 13, 2005: I had been working at my summer job and when I was finished, like every other day, Richard picked me up. Sitting on the front seat was my FAVORITE smoothie and a hand picked bouquet of one of my all-time favorite flowers: lilacs. So sweet! Then we went to see the play at the high school "Guys and Dolls" with my best friend Becky and her date. We had so much fun! But the best part was in the middle of the play. He was sitting next to me with his arm around me. All of a sudden, he would turn towards me, get his lips close to my ear, and quietly giggle. The first time was cute, but then when it happened, 2, 3 and 4 times, I got confused. Then finally, he got the guts up to say the words, "McKenna, will you be my girl friend?" I matched his giggle and said "of course!"  I came home with Richard, my friend and her date to find out our date was not over. Sometime, in passing, I mentioned I would love to watch a movie outside. Well, he had set-up a way to watch a movie in the woods next to my house with my parents projector, a sheet and the bench seat from my parents car. It started to rain so we got 5 minutes in, but the fact that he set all of that up just to do something I had wanted, was HUGE. SOOO sweeet. I had never met such a sweet, thoughtful, caring (and hot) guy in my life. To top the night off, we find out that my mom had just gone into the hospital and was in labor with my youngest sister. That night will go down in history for many reasons. My sister was born, and I was now the girlfriend to the best, most wonderful man I knew. I went to bed that night so happy, but so hopeful that I would soon become more than just "the girlfriend"...

To be continued

Part 2: Awkward shuffle dance

read part 1 of our story here

Part 2: Awkward shuffle dance

I took the long walk from the stand in front of the congregation to the front aisle. Ok it really wasn't a long walk, but with all the suspense of wondering what the infamous Richard looked like and if he really held up to his reputation among the girls in the ward, it felt like a long walk. I sat down and looked up. I met eyes with a ridiculously attractive young man in a suit sitting on the stand. 

"crap he noticed me staring at him....and now he is looking at me too...this could be awkward...he sure has pretty eyes...I wonder how long we will just stare at each other like this....this is fun..."

I lost track of how long we stared at each other but it must have been a really long time because at one point I felt someone elbow me. My Dad had his huge I-am-very-proud smile on his face and he whispered, while glancing up at Richard, "I see whats going on!" I flashed him an embarrassed smile. Not that I was embarrassed I was making eyes with Richard, but that my Dad caught me. O well, he was obviously excited. 

So he was cute. That much was obvious. But, as we all know, looks aren't everything. He stood up for his homecoming talk and his attractiveness shot up 150 more points. He gave an incredible talk and the room was filled with the spirit after he bore his testimony. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I was amazed at the wonderfully powerful spirit that he had. Once again, I could tell my Dad was excited. I could almost see him planning our marriage while he was listening to his talk. I can't deny I wasn't either...

The meeting ended and I went out in the hall to talk to my friends. Apparently (I didn't find out about this until after Richard and I were dating) my Dad walked straight up to Richard and while shaking his hand said:

D: "Hi I am....and I want you to date my daughter. She is dating someone, she isn't very interested in him, they are about to break up and has never dated a returned missionary."

R: "O ummm...who is she?"

Yeah, that convo really happened. And yes, I had a boyfriend at the time. Horrible I know. We had actually decided we were going to break up soon when he left for college so needless to say, I was not committed at all. Sadly, that ended Richards plans to actively pursue me because I was dating another young man in our stake. But I did hear through the grape vine, from Richards foster sister, that he was really interested in me. I was so excited, I literally started jumping up and down with excitement. Why I didn't just break up with "boyfriend" (we will refer to him as that for our purposes), I still don't know.

From here commenced the "awkward shuffle dance" stage of our courtship. Like, you know when you are walking towards someone and you both keep meaning to move out of the way for the other person but just keep moving in front of them, further blocking their way? Yeah that sums up the next couple months. Here is why: 1. All through high school, despite having a lot of girls have huge crushes on him, he never had a girl friend because he was really shy around girls 2. compound that with the "post-mission-fear-of-girls" syndrome and 3. I had a boyfriend and he acted really awkward around me. And he was the cute, super spiritual, funny and sweet returned missionary who continued to make me nervous. So me, the town flirt, acted equally awkward around him. 

Remember the picture of me in that play my senior year in Part 1? Well I was Kim Macafee in "Bye-Bye Birdie" and we were in need of some extras. Even  though we were only weeks away from the opening night, the director recruited Richard to be in the play because of the 25+ plays he did in high school. So our interaction increased slightly, even though most of it was actual awkward-shuffle-dances which only resulted in Richard saying "hey McKenna". I think that was the most he said to me during this time period. I honestly thought he really didn't like me, but apparently I really intimidated him so he was too scared to say more than 2 words to me. We did sneak to secretly watch each other act from the wings of the stage, but our interaction was mostly just watching each other or hanging out in groups with other people. 

Going to prom with "boyfriend"

Graduation night

I graduated, broke up with "boyfriend" as planned and spent my summer playing with my friends before heading down to Utah for my freshman year of college. As soon as I finished my first semester, Richard went to work for his Dad in Alaska (his Dad was a commercial fisherman). I went down to Utah as he was coming back from Alaska after which he headed to the Seattle area to live with his cousins. I had a great freshman year and as I was dating there I literally thought "Richard is the ideal guy so I need to date/find someone that is like him. There is no way he would go for me, so I need to find someone like him". 

Well I miserably failed and came home from my 1st semester single, and on the prowl. It was Christmas time and I remember hearing that Richard now had a girlfriend. Great. But I got an invitation to go to his house for a Christmas party (he was back in our home town for a little while) and I went, eager to maybe re-light the spark that we had. Once again, I dressed in my cutest outfit, turned on my charm and went. I remember once again, catching his eyes and we watched each other from across the room, mercilessly flirting with our eyes. Then the girlfriend showed up and I lost him to her. I was not a happy girl. As soon as the movie started and they started cuddling, I decided I didn't want to watch the movie AND them cuddling, so I left. As I was walking towards the door I heard "Wait, are you leaving??" My heart stopped as my feet did as I recognized that voice. I turned around to find my suspicions of who called out, confirmed. I responded that I had to go and to my utter delight he said "are you sure you have to leave? You should stay!" After some mil-second calculating, I decided still to leave so that I could make him more interested. Because you know how guys love the chase.

So I left the party and soon thereafter left for college. As my parents were driving me to the airport my Dad said (with some defeat in his voice): "I heard that Richard is engaged to his girlfriend". My heart dropped as I thought I had lost him. I went to college, and thinking I had lost, threw myself back into the dating scene. I started dating someone pretty seriously and the marriage talk started. But it never felt right at all. I kept questioning myself feeling confused and utterly unsure of what to do (later I realized that was the stupor of thought letting me know it was not right). I remember asking married people how they "knew" and they said "you just know". I didn't feel anything of the sort, so after awhile, we were broken up by the end of the semester.
My plan for the summer after the current semester ended was to live in a near-by city and work while living with my grandparents. I was one day talking to my mom about my plans and felt very strong that I should return to our hometown. Confused at this direction (the city I was going to live in was full of single guys and for all I knew the only guy I would be interested in was engaged) I decided to follow it and came home. I had a really negative dating experience right before coming home and on May 2nd, my first day home, I told my good friend I was done dating and wouldn't until I returned home from my mission (I had barely turned 19 so I am not sure how I planned to do that...). It was also fast Sunday and I bore my testimony. As I was standing up at the pulpit I noticed Richards parents and sister. But he wasn't there. Disappointed, but not surprised, I continued on with my heartfelt testimony. That first year of college I matured and grew in a lot of ways, but especially spiritually so I was excited to share my burning testimony. 

The next day, May 3rd, I went to work at the adorable little furniture store where I was going to work for the summer. I came home from my shift around 4 or 5. The house was empty and quiet (I have 7 young, loud siblings so this was rare) and I curled up on the couch with a favorite book and an herbal tea. Little did I know that just down the street the still-single-never-engaged-Richard had heard from his parents I was back in town. They said I looked really cute in church (he was at the singles ward with his cousin that day which was why he wasn't there) and bore a very sweet, tender testimony. The newly single Richard decided he would jump on the opportunity of both of us being single at the same time and ask me out on a date. He too just a month before, felt very very strongly that he needed to move from where he was living near Seattle to our home town. So finally, after nearly a year of always being in different places, we were miraculously in the same place and both single. His Dad still teases him about the merciless pacing he did trying to get up the courage to call me and how many times he would hang up before finishing dialing my number because he was so nervous.

I was sitting on the couch, with the phone next to me and when it rang I instinctively checked the caller-ID. When I saw "Wadsworth, Ray" on it my heart jumped. "Could this be it?!" But then I remembered that his younger foster sister and my younger sister were friends so it was probably just her calling for my sister.

I answered the phone and heard a very familiar voice. And he asked for me. I finally heard the words I had been waiting for since we met a year earlier...

"Hey McKenna, do you want to go on a date with me tonight?"

...to be continued :)

Part 1: Divine Intervention

So last year I had this great thought. Our 5 year anniversary was coming up and I wanted to write down our meeting/engagement story out in parts. I had just stumbled across the Pioneer Woman's blog for the first time and after reading their "story" I decided I wanted to do one of my own. But then life happened and I forgot before my anniversary came around. Life is more busy now (2 kids are SO much more work than 1...but twice as wonderful!!) but I still want to do it before time passes even more and more details fade away with my memory. Cause life will only get more busy! Anyways, I decided that I at least want to write a new "part" to the story every Sunday. But if I get more time, even better! So here goes the first part!

Part 1:

Divine Intervention

So where to start. I would like to say that we meet in heaven, because I am pretty sure we did. The way I felt around him the first time was something almost like 2 friends re-uniting for the first time after spending years apart. But I will save that for later. I spent most of my childhood in SO-CAL swimming in the oceans and enjoying year round summer. It was wonderful. When I was about 11 my Dad's bank he worked at was bought by another bank and he decided that instead of staying there, he wanted to move his young family of 5 out of California. It was getting worse and worse and the idea of raising a small family in such a morally declining place pushed my parents out of the "perfect" beach town that we lived in. My family was surprised when they felt they should move north. So long story short, we moved to a small town near Seattle and lived there for 6 years. 

Fast forward for our purposes to the summer before my senior year. I was on top of the world. I had great friends that I LOVED, one of my great friends had just joined the church (which was a big deal in WA), I had a beautiful horse that I was training to start doing hunter/jumper shows with and all was right. Of course, that's when things have to change right? Well my Dad's job was becoming dangerous. That is what the doctor said. Essentially the stress from his job (long story short: he was a senior vice president over a huge bank where all the people he was working with were super super corrupt and were trying to sabotage him for standing up for what was right) was killing him. Literally. The doc said that if he stayed at that job, he would die in just a matter of years. So with his young family of now 7, my parents decided he had to leave his job. 

One night, they called my younger sister and I into their room for a "chat". Little did I know my whole life would change after that "chat" on multiple levels. After a bit, it came out that they felt we should move and fast. To a small little "hick" town (my words, not theirs) about an hour away. I was DEVASTATED, to put it lightly. In all my 17 year old drama, I stormed out of their room bawling and insisting that they weren't moving me to that awful "hick" town for my senior year. I wasn't going to have it. I slammed my door and collapsed on my bed (I was quite the drama queen). I then felt a quiet prompting to open my scriptures. I didn't (and still don't) ignore those (or any) kind of promptings so I followed it's guidance. I opened to a random place in the scriptures and read the following verse:

"And it did work for them according to their faith in God: therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go, behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and also many miracles wrought..."

--Alma 37:40

(no wonder Alma 37 is one of my favorite chapters in the Book of Mormon)

Then I felt the spirit directly tell me that I needed to have faith in my parents promptings to move us to said "hick" town, that we were being directed there for a specific reason and it would all work out. Sufficiently humbled, I slithered back to my parents room to tell them of my experience and to let them know that I supported their decision. Didn't like it, but I wouldn't sabotage their efforts to move our family away from our beloved town.

Fast forward several months and I am starting my senior year in "hickville" (my lovely nickname for the town we moved to). The kids were nice and I found some good friends. Of course not as awesome as my old friends, but still some fun people to hang out with during my senior year. Of course I did make the 1 hour drive back to my home town a lot because I missed my friends. Anyways, we had a great ward and I had a funny, wonderful, entertaining, bald Sunday school teacher named Brother Wadsworth. I really enjoyed sitting in his Sunday school class and learned a lot from him as he taught us from the scriptures. 

By April I was falling more in "love" with "hickville" (even though I would never admit to it then) and the people, especially the friends I was making. It really is a great little town. Brother Wadsworth announced INCREDIBLY excitedly that his son Richard was coming home from his mission in a couple weeks. Everyone in our class got REALLY excited and all were saying (in their own different ways) "awesome!! I am so glad Richard is coming home! He is SOOOO cool!". Of course, as the ward flirt, my interests were peaked. They were even more peaked when I heard later all the girls rave about how cute Richard was and how most of them had secret crushes on him. His homecoming date was getting closer and I was getting more and more anxious to meet this infamous Richard.

One of the only pics I have with me from my senior year. I was "Kim Macafee" in "Bye Bye Birdie" which was the operetta my senior year. More on the plays significance in our story later...

It was a few days before Easter Sunday and I heard that Richard had gotten home from his mission earlier in the week. I also heard that his homecoming talk was going to be Easter Sunday so I immediately prepared the cutest outfit I had. I was determined to win over the infamous Richard before any of the other girls in our ward could. As I was walking into the building on Sunday, strutting my stuff in the cutest outfit I had, I was delighted to run into one of my friends who was likewise planning a way to catch Richards attention. She had last minute decided she was going to sing a musical number and the bishop had okay-ed it. She needed someone to sing with her so we practiced our song a couple times before sacrament started. 

Needless to say we practiced until it was our turn to sing and walked in right before it was time. Because we had been practicing I hadn't had a chance to get a good look at who I was trying to woo and without looking really obvious, I decided not to look around for him. We went up to sing and I knew that he was behind me. Me, the ward and town flirt, got nervous!! No one made me nervous! This was an emotion I had hardly ever felt before! I finished the song and walked down to join my family in the front isle so excited to get my first look at the infamous Richard....